Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Seven Tips for a Perfect Christmas!

Here are the best tips for having a perfect Christmas day.

#1. Say good bye to your money.. it will be the last time you see any for a while, so you might as well bid it farewell.

The next Thing I would strongly suggest to do, but is not on the list, is to re-familiarize yourself with the season, and what it is all about. Everyone knows that Wikipedia is the best site for very reliable information, so here you go! Christmas!

#2. Find the tree.. If you haven't done it by now, you probably are too late.. Good luck, and if you cant find a good one in town, there's always the National Forest.

#3. Once you find that perfect tree, you need to hack it down! Kill it, and hopefully you will burn it after you are done using it. :) (for our environmentalist friends)

If you don't want to go alone, take the whole family! Make sure not to forget crazy Uncle Earl, because of what happened last year!!

#4. Once you get that beautiful tree home,

you need to get it all decked! Go the whole nine yards.

Make sure the decor of the house matches the tree.. you wouldn't want to look stupid.. now would you..

Forget those ugly electric lights, use beautiful candles instead!

Make sure to use lots... if not for the pure brilliance of the candlelight, for the wondrous heat that it puts off. So pretty, so nice, so warm.. time for bed.

Suddenly a sound pierces the silence!
You know you've heard that noise before.. what could it be?
Ah, yes.. that's the smoke detector going off.. you suddenly think to yourself.. why is the detector going off? Am I baking something? no.. Am I... Oh! you remember suddenly.. the toaster! you left the toaster plugged in! As you race down the stairs, the lively crackling of the fire, becomes a deafening roar of your whole house on fire! Oh no! you forgot to blow out the candles on the tree!


Within 5 minute your whole house in engulfed... oops.. Maybe I'll skip the candles on next year's tree.

Forget about the house! you still have FOOD to look forward to!
#5. Food, with so many choices it may be hard to decide what to do. Don't worry though, I'm here to help you through this crisis! First you may think what kind of turkey you might like.

Traditional... Or..

Maybe you don't like turkey.. Maybe you like Ham! Again, so many choices, so here I am to help.

Traditional... OR..


Maybe You really don't like either of the main traditional meals, so you go with...


Or, if you really want to try something new.. you can always try some delicious dog!

Dog doesn't suit your fancy? Well, I've got just the thing..

Fruitcake!! (Not only does it never go bad, it can be used as a weapon)

#6. To make your Christmas the best it can be, make sure you get the right kind of music going!

Choirs are a really good way to start the day out right, and if you are lucky, you might even have carolers come to your door dressed as snowmen

You must chose the right mood music for your party, and I would suggest either playing the movie, or playing the record "A Charlie Brown Christmas" over and over again.. I would suggest something "Jazzy."

If you really feel "in the spirit" you should order a personal caroler, that will stand in your house 24 hours a day 7 days a week singing songs.. If you can't afford one, stroll over to the nearest school, and nab a kid, usually not the best idea, but they usually last through the holidays.

No I didn't forget about them..

#7. Presents.

Just remember, if it's not broken in an hour, it wasn't a good present.

More is always better.. Just think of it this way.. which would you rather have: 20 little toy cars, or 1 big one.. Me, it's always quantity over quality.. (it looks better under the tree too, makes it look like you are rich) Sparkly wrapping paper is a must, and as much glitter as the carpet will hold! A fire pit can come in handy in the living room, because not only can you burn all the debris from the unwrapping storm, if a child complains, you can instantly punish them by tossing the toy into the fire!

Let's not forget the reason for the season...

That's right! SANTA! Because without SANTA, Christmas just wouldn't be the same!

Santa is the most important part of Christmas, because, between him and the presents, there just isn't room for anything else.

Ok, ok.. Hopefully y'all really don't need a disclaimer, but just in case here it is. I was totally Joking. The reason for the season is Jesus, His birth and life!!
I am not to be held responsible for anyone taking the fake recommendations to heart, and destroying their Christmas.. I.E. if you kill yourself doing something stupid, don't come running back to me!

Hope you enjoyed it, and I would really appreciate any suggestions that I may have missed for next year!


Jowy said...

But Steve! I always run back to the person who told me to do something that results in me killing myself!
(Usually it's the voices in my head though.)

Happy Christmas.

Jack Bauer said...

Sorry to hear about your house i bet u look just like the little boy when u saw your house on fire....btw: WHEN DID U BUY A HOUSE!!!!!! Do u have a gf?

Merry Holiday's

and a

Happy Christmas to U!!!

Mr. Worm said...

LOL! I always wondered about candles on trees. How do they keep them from igniting?

I love the pig picture :-) I'll have to .... uh... IDK! But it's cool!

I've never seen a roast dog. That looks... LUCKY! (Ok, ok... Sorry :-)

Santa on motor scooters :-) NICE!

Anyway, thanks! Have a great Christmas!

(I think I need to write a utility to take the < div > tags out of blog posts :-)

Mr. Worm said...

Oh, and that BBQ turkey looks sick :-)

College Boy said...

Yeah, I took all the div's out, but they just come back.. I think it had something to do with using firefox to post...

I usually go through the post in html, but I was just too lazy.

Sarcastic Sally said...

Who woulda guessed that Santa--er -- Santas were Korean!
That explains how they can fit down small chimneys...

Mr. Worm said...

No, it does it in IE, too. :-)

AH, HA! The great mystery is resolved!